A Whiter Shade Of Pale
by MissClair
Summary: ON HIATUS - A tradgic car accident leaves Bella with a guilty heart and a lonely soul. Trying to escape the past she follows her brother Emmett to Forks. Little did she know that a boy with a similar past would make her smile again. AH drug use
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does.**

**AN: It's the first fan fiction I write in English so I'm sorry for any errors that it may have.(I'm Portuguese) But give it a chance. Read and don't forget to review it. I would love to know what you think of it. ****Be nice ;)**

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**BPOV

He never had the chance to comfort me.

He never had the chance to eat that pit of chocolate ice cream with me.

He never had the chance to sit with me in the old sofa under the ratty blanket and see some stupid movie.

He never had a chance of graduating.

We never had a chance to go, all three of us together, to prom, just like the pact we had made.

We never had the chance to get drunk after that.

We never had the change to decide on the same college applications.

We never had the chance to finally drive Emmett's old Chevrolet, he was restoring and sing at the top of our lungs to some popular music while the wind blew in our hairs.

We never had the chance to go on the planned road trip for the summer.

Most importantly we never had the chance to grow and old together, all three of us, just like we promise ourselves when we first met on 5th grade.

The three of us, in mere seconds, turned into only two.

When I woke up that morning I knew it was not going to be a good day. The sunlight that graced me every day in the sunny Florida was replaced by a weak light that peeked through the heavy dark clouds outside. I should have known the stormy weather was a sign for something darker.

I woke up later than I should have. Today I had a biology test on first period and the fact that I had spent the night before smoking up weed with one of my two best friends didn't help one bit. That was our routine, once a week, on a Wednesday, Jared would get some weed and we would all share a joint by the arid hills looking over the city lights. We never got in trouble nor would we give it much importance. It was some precious hours where we would just simply relax and forget who and where we were. "It's the reward, for enduring the first part of the week and an incentive, for getting through the rest of it." As Emmett would always say.

Since 5th grade me, my brother Emmett and Jared were inseparable. I was lost and scared on my first day of school because Emmett, a year older than me, was running late from his previous class. A peculiar boy who had around my age came up to me and tried to sooth me. I didn't know him and he didn't know me but he still tried to calm me. He also gave me the school tour although he was as lost as me. Making me company until brother old dear arrived, he asked me every possible question with a smile on his face. He had a scar on his dark right eyebrow, a mess of dirty blond curls, brown eyes and a huge smile on hi face. He had the face of veiled trouble. The moment Emmett finally appeared he gave the evil eye to poor Jared who I thought was going to abandon me given the already big stature of my brother. Neither I nor Emmett were expecting a response.

"I think it's unfair to be so rude to the person that kept your sister from having a panic attack on her first day in the middle of school while you were trying to get a kiss from some girl by your locker. If it wasn't for me Bella would still be standing with a scared look on her face trying to think of a way to escape her fate. So my name is Jared and I think you own an apology to your little sister." Jared accused with a defiant look on his face waiting for what he demanded.

Emmett was gaping at the courage of the kid. I was blushing like the awkward girl that I still am while my eyes darted from one boy's face to the other waiting to see who was going to break the stare first.

Emmett finally broke and admitted his mistake. Not a common occurrence.

"I'm sorry Bells" he sighed.

"It's ok…" I could never stay mad at Emmett.

Needless to say that with the new found respect the boys had to each other, the friendship easily evolved and turned in something as strong as blood. The trio always stood together for the pranks and the detentions, for the good and the bad. We were so close that Emmett made everything possible thing to get behind in his year so that he could take it with us. That's why in the 7th grade he made some lame attempt of a back flip that resulted in both his arms broken as well as his left leg. He got what he wanted, repeat the year with us, miss classes, watch television all day, and eat large doses of food. Doing all of this without moving a muscle. So we spent the afternoons doing our homework by his side and feeding him gummy bears that he had stashed under his bed, all the while listening to him complaining that he couldn't play Xbox. Emmett was always big for his age which made other people uncomfortable due to that bulky look, but he's actually a softy. Even now, with his 6'foot and 4 inches he's just a huge teddy bear with a great sense a humour who tends to speak before thinking, which, usually only gets him into trouble.

But despite all that Emmett thought he needed to be on his own and spend some quality time with our father. So he left us in the warmth of Phoenix to go spend the last year of high school in Forks, a little town in the state of Washington. Our parents, Renee and Charlie, divorced when we were still in kindergarten and we parted right after that with our mother. We were the result of a young marriage that ended as fast as it began. Charlie still loved Renee but after we left he never saw her again. She would send us for a month in the summer but the rest of our communication was resumed to a phone call every month.

As expected the biology test went as wrong as it could get. As I read the first question I could only think _"Fuck!"_ and so it continued. Only with the exception of a few ones that I remembered from the things I had read early in the week. I knew that trying to finish biology early wasn't a good decision. I was hopping to get it done quickly so that I could have more free time to prepare my college applications but that mission turned sour. _"Stupid Jared and his theory that Emmett wanted us to get high for him. What did Emmett care? He was far away! And he surely couldn't get me out of this mess." _I thought as I tried to answer as much questions as possible. When the teacher started to collect the pieces of papers that determined our lives I looked around the classroom looking for the genius that got me high last night. Of course he didn't show up. God knows how hard it was for me to get out of bed this morning. The proof was still in my bloodshot eyes.

**Where the fuck are you? U missed the biology test and abandoned me in this hell! Thanks a lot – B.**

By the end of the day Jared still hadn't reply and I was so down that all a wanted to do was cry. Without him I was alone in the middle of fake faces to overanalyse everything that happened. I was disappointed with myself. The fact that started to rain outside combined with being that time of the month wasn't helping my shaky mood.

As soon as last period was over I bolted home, seeking for some comfort but as soon as I stepped inside I knew I wasn't going to get it. Renee was once again out with Phil, her latest boyfriend and Emmett was too far away. I never thought I would miss him so much but the deafening silence that swallowed the house was rubbing is absence in my face. My hormones couldn't hold back any longer. Tears started to run down my cheeks as I reached for the phone to call Jared. I needed company.

"Yes?" His groggy voice answering the phone.

"Jared…" my voice cracked with a sob.

"Bella???" He was fully awake now. "What happened? What's wrong?" And panicking, by the sound of it. Just like Emmett he was very protective of me. It was like having two over reacting fathers making up for Renee's free spirit.

"I…You didn't show up…and I…" another sob interrupted me.

"I'm sorry honey, after last night I couldn't get out of bed. But tell me Bells, what happened? Did someone hurt you?" That last phrase was said with such anger that I felt silly for calling him just because I had a bad day.

"No…It' just…" Now I was embarrassed and my voice was just above a whisper.

"God damitt Bella. Tell me what's wrong! You're worrying me."

"I'm sorry. I screw up in biology…and you weren't at school…and I really miss Em…" I heard him sigh in relief not letting me finish.

"Sorry for getting you into trouble with the weed and all. It was a bad idea to smoke all of that by ourselves. And I'm sorry about today, I didn't mean to leave you alone in that jungle." He knew that without Emmett we only had each other there, and that fact bothered me. "It was only a month ago that Emmett went way, Bella. You can't possibly miss that big annoying kid." He tried to make a joke out of it but both of us knew how much Emmett was missed.

"The problem is that I really do miss him. In all my life I only spent one week apart from him and that was on summer camp. The silence is killing me. All I can hear is the rain splashing in the windows and the first thing that comes to mind is that Emmett would probably be dancing around naked outside." I smile at the stupidity that my old brother could come up with.

"Yeah I know…I miss him too." He admitted. "Hang still I will be there in 20. Chocolate brownie or mint chocolate?"

"It's pouring outside. You can't leave in this rainstorm. I'm better now. I just needed someone to talk to for a bit." I reassured him.

"Chocolate Brownie or Mint Chocolate? I'm not gonna ask again, Bella!" He knew me too well. After him and Emmett, Ben & Jerry were my closest friends. And I could tell by his voice ton he was not going to back down. So I chose the Chocolate Brownie.

"I will be there in a heartbeat. You better have the door opened for me because I'm not about to wet all my clothes." He laughed and hung up.

I sighed and put the phone down, making my way to the front porch. This boy spoiled me, just like Emmett, and I was so used to it that I just didn't protest anymore. As I took a sit on the first step of the covered porch the first lightning crossed the black sky followed by a loud roar. I shivered from the fresh wind and a feeling that something was wrong overtook me. Twenty minutes went by and Jared still hadn't appeared in his old Volkswagen. Twenty turned into thirty and the bad feeling was getting stronger. I tried to blame it on my period and swinging hormones but there was no use. I started pacing around the porch, impatient for him to get here. My eyes were glued to the beginning of the road, waiting for him to take the turn but I could see nothing through the curtain of pouring water. I knew Renee was safe with Phil, but Jared was alone inside his piece of shit of a car in the middle of a rainstorm.

I could see now a set of headlights coming this way, Jared' set, but it wasn't the only ones I saw. Even through the sound of rain falling hard over the rooftop, the sound I heard next will be forever engraved in my mind. The screeching sound of the breaks combined with the crash of glass and metal turned off the headlights that guided part of my life. It wasn't like the movies, where things seem to go in slow motion. It was the very opposite, everything happened in slow flashes of light, rain, screams and blood, but every little detail was noticed.

Jared never saw the other car heading his way. It caught him on the driver side with such a force that the door fell to ground. The moment I saw the car head his way an adrenaline rush took my body and I ran towards what was about to happen. I couldn't let it happen, I couldn't loose Jared, I just simply couldn't. There was nothing I could do, I certainly couldn't stop the cars from crashing into one another, I just had to get to him as fast as I could. The cars crashed before my eyes and for a few seconds I paralysed. But my mission was to get to Jared, make sure he was alright and take care of him, like he had always taken care of me, like a brother.

When I got to him all I could see was blood. His head was pending forward, his once blond curls were stuck to his head in a mesh of blood, his clothes were torn and every inch of his skin covered in cuts. Seeing my best friend, one that I considered family turned into a pulp broke me inside. The once gorgeous boy was nowhere to be found. I quickly took the seatbelt off and cupped his face in my hands. He was still breathing but very shallowly. His name was coming out of my mouth like a loud chant willing him to open his eyes and talk to me. But what felt like hours passed by and he still wouldn't react. The rain was still pouring down and people started to gather around trying to see and help but I didn't let them get near him. Someone said the ambulance was on its way but I wasn't able to pay any attention to what was happening around me. All I could concentrate was on Jared as I squeezed his bloody hands. I could feel his week pulse and for the first time in my life I prayed. For him, for me and everyone he couldn't leave behind. While I sobbed with my head buried in his lap I kept waiting for a miracle but the only thing that happen was a glimpse of life that rapidly was taken away from me.

"Bella" a weak whisper came from Jared and my head snapped to look at his face. He was struggling to open his eyes.

"Stay with me please, just stay with me Jared…"I desperately pleaded tightening my grip on his hand. His eyes finally opened to me and in that moment I regretted the wish for him to open his eyes. I could see him suffering, he was tired and sad. I could see him slowly given up.

"Don't you dare Jared William Stroke. Don't you dare leave me alone…Don't give up…" What were meant to be orders came out as pleas. The sobs rocked my body and broke my voice but I kept talking to him with the hope that he would resist long enough for the paramedics to arrive.

The intensity of his love for me was reflected in his eyes and I could only hope he would see the same feeling reflected in mine. But as fast the intensity came it was gone. The life was fleeing his eyes and I panicked. I shook him and yelled but the only thing he offered me was a final squeeze of his hand and a whispered _I'm sorry_ before his eyes turned glassy. I didn't notice the ambulance sirens or the people around me; I just clutch his lifeless body to mine, trying to convey him something. The paramedics came and yanked me from him while I kicked and screamed. There was nothing they could do and they were taking him away from me.

I didn't notice the cold or how soaked I was until someone draped a blanked over my shoulders and guided me to the back of an ambulance. The rain was still falling, the lightning was still illuminating the sky every now and then, and the sound of the thunder was echoing in the street, making me cringe every time. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Jared, I was still innocently hoping for the miracle I asked. But no one listened.

My body shook from the cold, from the sobs that never ceased, from the pain and from the fear. I watched as they gave up on CPR and took him out of the car. His body was there but his soul long gone. I couldn't look when they stuffed him on one of those black body bags, it just seemed something taken out of a movie and I refused to see the reality in it.

Somewhere along the way Renee showed up and took me back home. I don't recall what she said or what the police asked me. Neither being led home nor carried to the bathroom. The one thing I remember was my image in the bathroom mirror. A disarray of a girl was staring back at me. She was covered in blood and the mascara was smudge across her cheeks. Her hair was stick to her forehead and dripping red water. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. They reflected the agonizing pain and guilt that her body wasn't able to express. I only realized that she was actually me when in the shower I saw the blood tinged water running down the drain. Everything of that night replayed in my head with such a force that the last of my energies ran out and I blacked out on the bathtub floor.

**Stay with me for a while  
Stay with me and I'll smile  
Never leave and you'll see  
Stay with me, will you please?**

**The Mitch Hansen Band "Stay With Me"**


	2. Tears in Heaven

**AN: I am soooooooooo sorry. Right after the first chapter college kicked my ass making ot impossible for me write anything or even have a social life for what matters. As soon as college was over a flew to Paris in a week all for myself. But now I'm back and with some time to write. So I will try to post more often. If there is anyone left reading this stuff I hope the long chapter makes up for my absence. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I wish I did but I don't.**

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**_Tears in heaven_**

I woke up in the morning from a restless sleep and a disturbing nightmare not knowing what day it was. The sun was peeking through the slightly open curtains casting its glow across de walls just like any regular day in Phoenix. But today didn't seem like just any other day. Something was different.

Why hadn't Jared come up? Had I fall asleep on the porch and Jared carried me upstairs?

It didn't seem right but my mind couldn't remember when or how I got to my bedroom.

I reached for my cell phone to check the time and what I saw made me gasp. It was only 9am but I had slept through two whole days.

Why would I fall asleep when I was waiting for Jared to bring me ice cream and make me company? It didn't make sense. I wasn't one of those people who could sleep pretty much anywhere so it was very unlikely for me to be out in the hard wood of the porch.

Confused I rose up from bed with my eyes burning and my skin feeling dry. As I turned the bathroom lights on and looked in the mirror a flash of a girl covered in blood crossed my eyes. I jumped back with a scream but as I looked again there was only me staring back.

However my mind wasn't playing tricks on me and like a morbid snowball everything came crashing back.

_The pouring rain…_

_A set of headlights…and a second one…_

_A sound of metal bending…_

_A scream…_

_Jared…_

_Skin covered in blood…_

_A whisper…I'm sorry…_

_And then silence…deafening silence…_

Scared of the dark images I immediately ran back towards my bedroom grabbing my phone and dialling Jared's number. Something told me this wasn't just a fucking nightmare.

I needed to hear his voice. I need to know that everything was alright, that he hadn't abandoned me like everyone else seemed to be doing nowadays.

"What's up? This is Jared. I'm too lazy to pick up the phone and I don't care. You know the drill." Beep.

This was not what I wanted. I didn't want his stupid voicemail message. I wanted his scruffy voice groaning just like when I would wake him up. Getting annoyed with me for calling at such an early hour. I would get anything. He could even be angry and scream obscenities at me for not waiting up for him. I just wanted to hear his voice, make sure the images weren't more than flashes of a scary nightmare.

I shot up from my bed where I had sat and took the fastest shower in my whole life. I knew that even after that I looked awful but right now I couldn't care how red my skin was nor how big the bags under my eyes were. I needed to see him.

After tossing some old jeans and t-shirt I ran downstairs nearly falling over my feet on the last two steps. My mom was there, in the kitchen, all dressed in black and with a sad look across her face. But when her eyes looked up to me the pity I saw there tore me open.

This couldn't be happening!

"Honey…" she started, but I already knew what she was going to say and I was not prepare to face the truth, so I interrupted her.

"Can't talk right now I have to go find Ja…" I wasn't accepting what happen but somehow I wasn't able to say his name out loud…like it didn't represent the same carefree guy I knew. My mind was protecting me from the pain sure to come just for a few more moments.

"Bella, please listen to me…"

"No!" I screamed like a spoiled teenager with tears already forming in my eyes.

I needed to get out of there before I collapsed. I needed to see with my very own eyes what my mind was slowly telling me. The bricks holding everything together were being torn apart, becoming with each passing second closer to ruins. But those tiny bricks were giving away to dust and even that was being carried away by the wind. I wouldn't hold on much longer, the truth was already creeping up on me.

I ran out the front door to my car and turned the music loudly to muffle my thoughts while driving. But the images kept popping in my head. I broke the speed limit and didn't give a shit, all I could think was getting to him. The only image I wanted right now in my head was me hugging Jared while he soothed me saying that everything was okay. His smile or even seeing his sprawled body across the bed with his snoring filling the air. But I knew that were just vague memories from the past. When the truth was already too close not even my mind could protect me from the upending pain.

The normal fifteen minutes of driving to Jared's house only took me five and as I parked I could see the black silhouette of his parents talking with some two guys in a suit by the front door. Against my better judgment I got out of the car slowly making my way to them. As I got closer I could hear pieces of the business like conversation but as Jared's mom noticed me she stopped talking. Her tired and pained eyes bored into mine with a slightly shocked expression across her features. She obviously wasn't expecting me. Through my blurry vision I saw her husband wrap his arm protectly around her waist as she started to cry. Only when I got out of the car did I notice the salty tears running down my face and with each step I took towards the now strange house they only got stronger.

One of the men in the suit continued to speak not noticing my presence.

"We need for you to sign some papers before claming Jared's body from the morgue Mr. Stroke. Everything related to a funeral may be arranged by the hospital if you would like so…" but his voice faded away when his partner motioned in my direction.

The truth struck me like a ton of bricks. What my mind and heart slowly were trying to show me didn't prepare me to face the cruel reality of what happened. My knees gave up and I collapsed to the ground sobbing loudly from the agonizing pain. I covered my face with my hands; I couldn't look at Jared's parents in the eyes after what I had done. In a second Mrs. Stroke was wrapping me in her arms while she also cried her heart out. I felt even guiltier. Here was his mother trying to comfort me when I was the one responsible for her son's death. But I didn't have the strength to shake her off. She needed this as much as I did and I wouldn't take another thing away from her, so I did the only thing I could - I hugged her back.

I heard Mr. Stroke's footsteps getting closer to us and I felt his hand on my back but instead of making me feel better his touch only made me cry more. His only son, his legacy was forever gone. There was no one left to carry the Stroke's name. Only a cold stone would hold it in the future.

What felt like hours passed but the tears wouldn't subside. The sound of tires moving against the gravy ground alerted us to the fact that the two suited guys were leaving. That only made me replay their words in my head which brought another round of fresh tears.

Eventually Mr. Stroke made us get up and go inside. Though the tears had stop for the time being they were only looking for a reason to come back again. I was fighting the lump in my throat and the prickling in my eyes.

Jared's father gave each of us tissues and brought tea all the while readjusting something on the coffee table. Just like I so often did he was keeping himself busy and distracted from the break down it was sure to come. He was trying to be strong but I could see the ache in his eyes. The constant clearing of his throat was giving him away. Just like us he was fighting the tears. No one was speaking, afraid to say the wrong thing. Afraid that some few simple words would remind us of everything. But the pain was never gone. The reality of our solitude was around us, screaming at our faces, making it hard to ignore. It enveloped us with its tight chocking hold making it impossible to resist.

My eyes wandered over the living room where I had stayed countless times but today it seamed unfamiliar.

I slowly got off the couch and my feet carried me to the fireplace, adorned with family photos. A younger Jared was smiling back at me with a huge grin that showed his missing tooth and his only dimple. The photographs were like an evolution of this family through the years until last Christmas and the thought that this tradition was abruptly stopped made the pain tight his hold on me.

The colours on the wall looked dull, the pictures looked lifeless and the smell of loss was in the air. I felt awkward around the people I once considered a second family. I couldn't make it much longer without crying. I was being brave in front of Mr. and Mrs. Stroke but my braveness was slipping away. Everything was too fresh on my mind and heart. But I had to keep my eyes dry for a few more moments…As much as it hurt me I needed to know the specifics of the memorial.

"When is it?" I asked in a whisper afraid of breaking the silence. None of them needed to ask what, they knew what I was referring to.

"Things are being arranged and the funeral will probably be tomorrow." Mr. Stroke managed to say while he sat down next to his wife and pulled her into his chest. She was crying again, quietly this time though the tight fist holding his husband shirt demonstrated the difficulty of keeping her sobs down. I turned around and kept my eyes trained on the pictures in front of me. Their pain was making it hard for me to be composed.

But the word didn't seem right. _Funeral._ That was something Renee said she was going when a friend's mother had died, it was not something I would deal personally. But this year I was getting more acquainted with its meaning than I would like to. It was the third time it was making its appearance now, taking away person by person out of my life, tearing my heart apart piece by piece.

But then an old memory crossed my mind.

It was one of those late afternoons that Jared, Emmett and I used to get high. We were on our usual spot, all three of us sitting in the hood of Jared's car listening to the blues of Robert Johnson while Jared played air guitar to the "Crossroad Blues" accords. Everything was peaceful as always, the sun setting in the horizon and the city lights starting to illuminate the streets below.

"I'm gonna have a young tragic death..." He let it linger for a moment. "Like these devil's pact makers. You know the blues' players who only lived like ten years but were fucking successful. I want to be cremated though…" his stoned voice trailed off.

First Emmett and me stared at him shocked by his affirmation but when he started to talk of pacts and the devil we couldn't help to crack up. He sure as hell had been watching too many Supernatural reruns. His eyes and movements showed how high he was but his expression and voice were taking a too serious tone. Emmett made crude jokes about what he was going to ask for in exchange of his soul and although I was crying from laughing so hard Jared was getting annoyed for not being taken serious. But Jared was never able to be mad at us for long and before we knew it he was laughing along with us turning the mood back into its normal playfulness. As we came back from our high and got out of the hood of the car the seriousness once again took over his face and he said "You'll see I'm fucking right." I turned my face away trying to hide sad look on my face. At that moment I couldn't even imagine my life without one of them but today I was facing the worst of my nightmares, both of them left me alone. I could see a flash of worry pass through Emmett's face but he quickly masked it with a wide smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"So that means I can get your baseball cards?" he laughed it off. Jared smiled and nodded his head while wrapping his arm around Emmett's broad shoulders. He barely reached his hand at the right shoulder of his huge best friend.

"Of course you can. And just because you're such a great friend I will even leave in the will my lucky baseball bat just for you!" His voice was like he was talking to a little kid that was getting rewarded for being well behaved. Emmett was a child, a muscular 6'4 inches tall one but a child nonetheless. He beamed at Jared like he had win the lottery. My loud laugh broke them from their little moment and Jared's attention was then focused on me.

"Oh don't worry Bells I will also leave you something in my will. I will let you keep Mr. Wiskers."

"What?" I asked a little too loud from shock. "You're giving me your mother's fucking cat?"

"Yes…It's a huge responsibility that I can only trust _you_ to keep him. Plus he likes you more than my mother." He said with a mock tone.

"Why do I get all the work and Emmett gets all the fun? I don't think it's fair." I whined crossing my arms across my chest a pouting like a four year old.

"Oh so adorable our little Bella…Ok I will let you have my playboys magazines and maybe, just maybe my porn video collection." He winked at me. I flipped him off and Emmett panicked.

"Fuck dude! Don't you dare commit such a crime! I will keep them in my safe, their worth a lot man!" He begged Jared.

"Yeah their worth long hours of jacking off to busty naked sluts that's what their worth you fucking perverts…" I scowl at them. They both just nodded eagerly at me. "You guys are disgusting…"

"Hey don't be jealous I bet you also look hot naked." Jared wiggled his eyebrows at me while I blushed. But his attempts of seduction didn't last long because Emmett punched him ihard in the arm making him stumble to the side.

"Watch it! It's my sister you're talking about asshole!" Emmett warned while Jared kept rubbing his arm trying to ease the pain.

"I was just kidding man…Jeez. No need to be such a bully." I laughed all the while, the menacing look of Emmett and the hurt on Jared were just too amusing.

"Don't laugh! This is all _your_ fault and you know Emmett punches pretty fucking hard." Jared tried to get mad at me but failed miserably. The corners of this mouth were twisting trying to fight the urge to crack a smile. I just kept laughing at him until he swept me off the ground to his shoulder catching me off guard. I squeak escaped my mouth and I held onto his back like a life line afraid of him dropping me while he skipped around the car. Emmett and Jared's loud laughs were filling the air and soon they contaminated me while my blood was quickly rushing to my head making my face red like a tomato. Finally Jared opened the back seat door gave me a light slap on the ass and set me down. My face was still fiery red from being upside down as I tried to catch my breath.

"Don't worry darling you will always have my most important possession." Jared whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek with such sweetness that through me out the loop. My mouth couldn't articulate any word and my mind was working overtime trying to decipher the hiding meaning behind that small sentence. I searched his masculine face and his brown eyes but his expression was guarded and he simply smiled at me not revealing anything further.

The next day Jared appeared at school with three sealed envelops, one with my name on it, another with Emmett's and the last one address to his parents.

"These envelopes are about what we talked last night. I'm not giving them now to you but I'm showing them so you know they are real. I wasn't kidding when I said I want to be cremated. I don't want any grave with a stone on top with my name on it, just my ashes with each one of you for you to do with it whatever you want. Maybe spread it across the sea, like the movies." He chuckled remembering some scene from a stupid chick flick. I was gaping at him, too shocked to express my feeling. Last night I really thought it was the weed speaking. "The envelops will be on the first drawer of my nightstand, I will let you know if I change them to somewhere else."

"What the fuck? Stop fucking talking like that! You're scaring the shit out of us." Emmett said while shaking Jared's body trying to convey some sense into him.

"What?" He asked confused. "I'm not dying anytime soon shithead. I'm just making sure everything is done like I would want to after I die." I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and quickly hugged him.

"Don't scare us like that and don't even mention your death again Jared." I pleaded him still keeping my arms around his waist and my head on his chest. His arms around my shoulders tightened his hold and he said "I was just taking care of the future. I didn't mean it like that. I will never abandon you."

But he lied. He didn't know how true his first statement about death had been. He died young in fact. Too young. Because of a stupid self-centred girl who wanted company and a pint of ice cream.

After that day we never heard of the letters again. He didn't mention it and we certainly didn't bring up the issue.

"Did you say funeral?" I asked to be sure.

"Yes…why?" Mr. Strike asked me with a confused expression on his face. I needed to tell them he didn't want a funeral. It was the least I could do, fulfil Jared's wish although he was high when he made the decision. I needed to find the letters he had written and deliver the one to his parents. Despite knowing it was the right thing to do I still stammered when I spoke.

"I…He…I don't think J…Jared wanted a funeral."

"What? What are you talking about Bella?" My statement brought Mrs. Stroke's attention back. Her blotched face was a mix of confusion and shock with her rimmed eyes impatiently looking at me for the answer.

"A while ago Jared joked about when he would die and started talking about what he was leaving with whom. At the time we thought he was joking. Me and Emmett made fun of him, even bringing him up to laugh at what he was talking about. We were worried but since he was never depress or something we considerate it a lame joke." I paused looking up from my hands that were fidgeting with the hem of my ratty shirt to Jared's parents. Their faces showed disbelieve but their eyes were seeking for more, for me to get to the point. With a heavy sigh I slowly continued.

"But the next day he showed up at school with the actual letters and made us promise to go look for them when the time came. I freaked out from the way he was talking about but he kept reassuring us that he was just looking out for the future and nothing more. He never mentioned the letters again and we forgot about it altogether. There was…until now." Tears were continually streaming down Mrs. Stroke cheeks. She didn't even bother to wipe them anymore. They never ceased.

"I think I know where they are. He wrote one for me, another for Emmett and a last one for you." I gently said. I knew it was going to kill me to be inside Jared's room without him there making crude jokes and playing video games with Emmett but someone needed to do it and none of his parents needed to go through that kind of pain this early.

"Please go and bring it to us darling. I don't have the strength anymore…" She leaned her head on her husband's chest with a trembling sigh escaping her lips. Mr. Stroke pleading eyes were looking at me asking me to be the brave one he could no longer be, to take control of the situation for a few minutes. He was also at his limit. My decision was already made and the hurt consuming me would have to wait for a few more days before swallowing me whole.

I nodded my head and silently made my way to the stairs. A memory of the three of us sliding down the staircase on top of a mattress laughing all the way crossed my mind making me hesitate on the first step. That was the cause of a little scar on my left knee when the landing didn't go according to plan and I banged my leg on some furniture. Most of the marks I have in my skin where thanks to our stupid activities to pass the time, but now that I thought of each single one of those scars I could only think of them with endearment. They were like little marks of the time of us three together, time that would never be the same.

The hallway was dark and the wood floor creaked with each step I took. The lack of light never stopped me from finding Jared's room on the end of the hall, but today was making it difficult to reach the blue painted door. I was blaming it on the light but in reality was my own body that was find it hard to take the necessary steps. I was dreading the emptiness I knew that was expecting me on the other side.

Reaching my destination my hand came up to knock in a unconscious act. But I stopped myself before my knuckles made contact with the wood. I had never knocked on his bedroom door before, I usually just open it like it was my own, I had even caught him once making out with one of the cheerleaders on his bed. One of those very ones that later started a rumour about me, excluding me from the team and reducing my friends only to Emmett and Jared. Not once, even after that heavy make out session, had I knocked. But this morning everything was different and the unfamiliar feeling I felt by being in this house, was leading me to knock, to ask permission to enter a stranger's bedroom.

I hesitated with my hand on the door knob. I closed my eyes I imagined that nothing had changed. That Jared was inside of that room, waiting for me to come in and to make a comment on the poor wardrobe selection I had made that morning. I could almost hear him "Back to the boy look? It doesn't look like the little Bella I know…What happen to the latest fashionable clothes you bought? Have you ruined them again doing the laundry?" I smiled, still with my eyes closed and the image of Jared's face teasing me. The last time I had worn this old jeans and t-shirt I had done just that - ruined a whole weekend worth of shopping doing the laundry.

Since puberty my sense of fashion had evolved from the jeans and loose boyish t-shirts to something more flattering. I was starting to notice boys and wanted them to notice me the same way. Jared and Emmett used to make fun of me when I started to were makeup, but the compliments I was getting from my girlfriends and the looks I was starting to get from some of the boys made me ignore the two constant ones in my life. The fact that Renee was delightful with my new found interest in these girly issues made me proud of myself since she was always so sad about the influence Emmett and Jared had on me.

But the silence surrounding me wasn't helping my dream, calling me back to reality. Like ripping a bandage aid off I tored open the door. The sun was peaking out between the half closed curtains, casting a yellow glow around the room making the blue painted walls look like a light green. His boyish scent mixed with a hint of incense and tobacco assaulted my nostrils and for a moment I thought he was really there by me side. But as quickly as the feeling came it was gone leaving me with the pain that accompanied the quiet room.

As always his room was a complete mess, things scattered around the floor and desk. The walls were covered with surf and Bob Marley posters. His old surf board stood proudly against the wall to the righ of his desk. His bed was unmade like he had just get out of bed and the wall behind it had the same confusion of photographs as always.

Neither of his parents had ventured entering the room yet. The tangled sheets broke my soul a little more because it reminded me of whose fault it was that he wasn't right there with me. I was the one who had wakened him up. I was the one who made him get out of bed. I was the one that made him drive in the storm. I was the only one that had him killed. Me and only on me was the responsibility of this void. The searing pain was slicing me open more than I could handle it. The guilt…He wasn't supposed to die. He was the always strong and smiley Jared. I was the weak one. I was the one that always needed someone to be there for me. Just like on the first day at school, holding my hand. His fault was always being there. Like a big brother he would leave everything behind for me. Just like Emmett he was too protective of me and I was too selfish to renounce my needs.

My body couldn't hold me up any longer and I curled up in a tiny ball at the end of his bed. I covered myself with his sheet and buried my face in his pillow inhaling the familiar scent. I soaked the fabric with my never ending tears as I continued sobbing while looking at the pictures on the wall. I recognised each and every one of them. They all featured the three of us, either separately or in group. Each important date was represented like every prom and every football game. There were pictures of the two boys in their football equipment laughing with the team or make silly faces covered in dirt. There were also pictures of me in the cheering outfit during my short career being part of the cheerlead squad. Me on the day of prom with a blue dress and a corsage of white flowers on my wrist. Me on the first time I time I smoked coughing up so badly that Emmett had to pat my back all the while laughing at me. Me and Jared in one of the very _lame dance contests _as he called them_._ But then there were my favourite ones, those of the three of us just laughing and making silly faces, those were the ones that gave me more peace.

During the entire time my eyes travelled the wall the tears never stopped running nor the sobs ceased. Too many emotions were crossing my heart and I didn't want to leave that spot on the bed where I felt his presence surrounding me. And although reality was sure to come get me I just needed a few more moments to bask in the last pieces of the past because I knew once I walk out of that door I would never be brave enough to step foot in the room again.

Minutes after, sounds from downstairs brought me back to the harsh light of day and the fact that Jared's parents were waiting for me to get the letter. Reluctant I tossed the sheets to the side and scrambled to my knees reaching to the nightstand to the right. Just like he had told us a couple of years back there they were, mocking me with their white paper and Jared's weird calligraphy.

I grabbed the three envelope volume and just looked at it, the light weight of it heavy on my hands. I grabbed mine with the intention of reading it but as soon as I my eye caught the name scrawled in black ink across the envelope I knew whatever words it contained inside, they would bring me to my knees with despair, pain and guilt. I couldn't do it right there and then. I wasn't ready. I wasn't brave enough. So I just caressed the texture left in the paper with the tip of my fingers. Lightly losing me in the sensation it cause in my skin while I gazed at the dejected guitar. It stood in the left corner of his room next to the window and I wondered if Emmett would keep it since he was the very one who gave it to Jared.

And for the first time in hours my thoughts skipped to Emmett and his feelings. I had been thinking of him all this time, seeing him in memories and photos but only on that moment did I ask myself where he was and how he must feel. Like always I was centred in myself and my pain alone, not even remembering my brother. But the concern I felt for Emmett was stronger than the ache I felt so I quickly pulled myself together wiping the few tears that remained. I casted a last long look at the room before stepping out and closing the door behind me with the envelopes in hand.

The descent was much faster than the ascent and I swiftly entered the kitchen where I fond Mr. and Mrs. Stroke sitting on the high stools each of them with a steaming cup in their trembling hands. Their eyes were glossy probably reliving memories in their minds in a heavy silence. I needed to alleviate the weight in my hands so I quietly walked in front of them and carefully placed their envelope on top of the counter. Both their gazes drop on that piece of paper like it contained the most valuable thing in the world. And to us it truly had.

I silently squeeze both their hands, one at the time and left. That moment was too private for me to pry and I knew I couldn't deal with much more today. My mind and soul were worned out but it still had space to worried about Emmett because as strong as he seamed to look he was too soft inside, he had a heart of gold that by this time was already torn in pieces.

The drive home was slow and silent, the sunshine hurting my eyes with its brightness. How could it be possible that a day full of light and freedom would cause me so much pain?

I entered another silent house and a note was waiting for me on the fridge.

_Went to get Emmett at the airport. Please eat the leftovers in the fridge sweetie, it will do you good. We'll be back in no time._

_Love you,_

_Renee_

I wasn't hungry and I sure as hell didn't feel like eating leftovers especially from one of Renee's experiences. God knows she couldn't cook to save her life.

I collapsed in the sofa bring my knees as close to my chest as possible and my hands to my heart. The envelopes were still in my hands, now a bit crinkled from never letting go of them, not even when driving back to the house. The ticking of a clock somewhere inside the house was the only sound corrupting the silence.

It wasn't its natural state. I associated home with noise, music, chaos and warmth. The loud noises of Emmett, either cursing when playing playstation or simply just being his natural self. The music blaring through the speakers on my room, with me singing along in my terrible voice or dancing around the room. The chaos of Renee's lack of organization, with her magazines, clothes and pretty much everything scattered on every available surface. And finally the warmth that surrounded us whenever we went, from the early hours of the morning until the high hours of the night. A gentle brize that during the day did nothing to alleviate the suffocating heat.

Today the only thing that stayed the same was Renee's disorganization. The noise and music were missing and even the familiar warmth was replaced by a cold wind despite the sun never leaving its position. It seemed like the calm before the storm type of scenario. But although the storm had already passed, I knew the consequences would linger forever.

Eventually sleep overtook me but with it came the replay of that rainy night. The pain was more present than ever leading me through the slow motion scenes, knowing how it was going to end and every time being unable to stop death.

Sometime during my restless sleep I felt my body being carried to bed by Emmett. I was trembling and grabbing his shirt with all my strength.

"Sssshhhhh Bella. It's just me. Go back to sleep." He kissed my forehead and just like that I was home again.

Next morning I woke up curled up next to Emmett on my bed. I hadn't let go of his shirt and he hadn't let go of me. For a moment it seemed like one of those times when I was little and had nightmares. Emmett would hear me scream and come to sooth me eventually falling asleep with me in bed. But this time I wasn't dreaming I was actually living a nightmare.

I looked at my nightstand and the numbers said it was too early in the morning to be up but I could no longer sleep and the disposed envelopes on the table were disturbing me. I needed to get out of bed.

Emmett was sound asleep and I was able to extract myself from his grip without waking him up. He hadn't changed his clothes still sleeping in jeans and a shirt and the dark circles under his eyes showed how much he needed to rest. I knew the day was going to be too hard on both of us so I quietly made my way out trying not to trip on anything or making any noise to disturb him.

The house was once again too quiet and all its calmness was making me feel too alone. I turn on the kitchen tv and adjusted the volume to a nice background hum. I wasn't interested in a new vacuum that cleaned curtains. I just wanted some kind of sound to break the silence.

I made coffee and leaned against the counter watching the images on the television not really paying attention to what was on. I don't know how long I stood there seeping the coffee and gazing at the television but the sun was slowly getting higher in the sky and the once hot dark liquid was now cold. Renee was startled by my presence in the kitchen as I was by hers since I hadn't heard her come down. For some long seconds we just stood there, my brown eyes looking at a pair of blue ones filled with concern. Neither of us sure of what to say.

She quickly snapped back to reality and in three short steps she was enveloping me in a fierce motherly hug full of love. At first contact I tensed trying to fight the tears but it was a losing battle. I silently cried in my mother shoulder with my arms around her, one hand clutching the fabric of her tank top and the other still holding the coffee mug. She was rubbing soothing circles on my back while whispering gentle words in my ear.

It was usually me that calmed her when her latest boyfriend would leave her. We were more friends than mother and daughter because Renee's free spirit was never able to turn her into a responsible and stable human being. Sometimes I was the mother and she the rebel teenager but not today. Today I felt like a lost child seeking comfort and reassurance and despite all the times she would forget us, this time she was there for me.

I didn't hear a word she said to me, not even when she made me look at her. My mind wasn't focusing on anything. But heard Emmett heavy steps entering the kitchen. I shrugged Renee's hands off my shoulders, put down the mug and ran to him. As soon as my eyes locked with his I saw an agonizing pain reflected in his blue colour. I hugged him around the waist with all my strength and he hugged me back in a bone crushing embrace. I didn't care how hard it was to breathe like that, I just relived in how warm he was, how strongly his arms were protecting me and how I was home again. I could feel how vulnerable we both were by how we were clinging to each other. I was now sobbing loudly and soaking his crumpled shirt. He was silent taking long quivering breathes and hunched over me with his cheek resting on the top of my head.

For a long moment all I could hear was my cries, his breathes the thumping of his heart beneath his chest and the faint sound of the television. We both slowly calmed down loosening the grip we had on each other but never completely letting go. We were each other supporter.

The day slowly dragged reaching its end in the same manner as it passed. Silent. Emmett didn't made his usual jokes or crude commentaries. I didn't protest about anything and I wasn't sarcastic. I knew Emmett had read the letter Jared's addressed to him because the envelope was torn open and lied empty beside the still sealed one on the nightstand. A part of me was full of curiosity to know what laid inside but the other part was full of fear. He didn't offer. I didn't ask.

Both of us spent the entire day seated on the couch with our gazes focused on the meaningless show on the television and our minds focused on the past. Neither of us spoke nor moved. We just stood still for the entire day. Me with my head resting on Emmett's chest and he with his massive right arm resting across the back of the sofa. The shadows grew longer on the floor and a warm glow of yellows and oranges swallowed the room.

I jumped in surprise when Warrant's Cherry Pie started blaring through Emmett's cell phone breaking our lethargy. Emmett hastily retrieved the offending piece from his front pocket and stood up with it already by his ear.

"Rosalie…" he sighed visibly more relaxed just by answering the phone. That name was by now familiar to me. I had heard it for the first time a day after Emmett had reached Forks. He had called me completely out of himself rambling angrily about a devious woman who had hit his car. I had put him on speaker phone so Jared could hear the idiocy of my big brother and we laughed like crazies at his cost.

"I was minding my own way trying to park the car on that hell hole of high school when I actually found a decent parking space to fit Bessie. You know that piece of shit his old as hell but it still works and takes a lot of space. Next thing I know BAM!" His loud voice in tune with his fist hitting the table making both Jared and I jump. "A blood red convertible BMW is hitting me on the side. Obviously haven't seen me going for the same spot. Fucking blondie! So she just strolls out of the car like a hurricane and starts to scream at me poking me in the chest with her manicured nail. Who the hell does she think she is? I fought back. Like I would keep my mouth shut? Yeah right! But queen bitch over there just kept getting angrier and angrier. Dude I never seen a hot piece of ass like that look so scary. I tried to make her a compliment, you know. Like nice hair, awesome rack…the usual you know." Yeah my brother was a crass. He didn't have a filter. "Man I saw it coming. Suddenly her eyes were ablaze and she was trembling with fury. She kicked me in the nuts and left me there on the floor holding my boys. Shit that hurt!" And the one side conversation continued with Emmett practically shouting to the speaker and us whipping tears from our eyes due to laughing so much.

For the last two weeks all Emmett talked was that ice queen Rosalie but it wasn't with that fury from the first time. now he was saying how charming and intelligent she was although the casual hot and sexy were thrown in the mix. I had never heard my brother talk of some one like that. I knew he was slowly and unconsciously falling in love with her.

I looked up to him and saw a small smile tugging at his lips while he quietly talked to her by the window. I was happy for him. He already had great friends and a girlfriend in Forks. I was relieved that he didn't spend all his free time with Charlie. God knows I love him but the man can't hold a conversation for more than a minute unless is about football or his job. Despite knowing that Emmett missed us here in Phoenix I also knew that he was happier there. He had always been liked by everyone and he didn't have a problem adjusting to new places, unlike me. That was why he was never upset when Renee decided it was time for us to move again. He always did it with an excited smile on his face and me with a enormous frown. That constant travelling and readjusting lasted until I was in third grade. After arriving in Phoenix our mother just got sick of wandering around and liked the city enough to finally settle down.

Next morning came too soon and with it the reality check. Jared's memorial was in a couple of hours. His body had been cremated during the night. I was informed of this in the former day but refused to acknowledge what that entitled.

I mechanically took a shower, put on a simple straight cut dress that reached my knees with the stocking and heels that accompanied, put on some make up and did my hair in an intricate chignon full on pins. I still wanted to look good even if I was never going to see his face again. It was for him to see that I could still take care of myself and hoping to hear a crude joke about my ass or a funny comment about my choice of attire. It was a false hope I knew I was carrying and although I didn't believe in God and all of the heaven and hell deal, I liked to believe he was somewhere watching us.

When I carefully made my way down the stairs trying not to fall and reached the kitchen a sense of déjà vu took over me. Renee was once again in the kitchen, all dressed in black and with a sad look in her eyes while holding a cup of steaming coffee. As a entered the kitchen her eyes fell over me but my first instinct was to avoid the awkward conversation it was bound to happen just like it did on the last two times. I was tired of the reassurances and pity looks. I was tired of my own mother walking on eggshells around me like I was going to break. I wasn't strong, far from there actually. But I was not going to break at least not at that moment. That was meant to happen a few days after when I realise that everything doesn't go back to normal.

"Where is Emmett? His room was empty." I asked my mother placating her pity.

"Huuummm…He went out…" she carefully replied. _Isn't that helpful._ I knew she was keeping things from me by the way she stammered on her words and the vague answer given. She was also looking around and never focusing on me.

"You don't need to protect me mom. You know Emmett will tell me as soon as he comes through the door." She knew Emmett couldn't lie to save his ass especially to me.

"I know…" she sighed and reluctantly told me. "He went to Jar…to the Stroke's to get some stuff. Mrs. Stroke called him last night wanting for him to go there today before the funeral."

"It's not going to be a funeral." I corrected. "He hated those things." I added in a whisper as I abandoned the kitchen and went to wait outside.

The day was awful bright for such a morose moment. The dark blot in the Stroke's backyard didn't belong on a sunny day like those. The warmth liked our skins and made our black clothes feel like a sauna. It asked for fans, sunglasses and fresh drinks. All of those could be seen on the guests standing in the grass but everything felt out of place. This wasn't a get together nor it was a black themed party. It was a memorial for God's sake.

I stood against a tree far in the back beneath its refreshing shadow, my eyes surveying the memorial before me. It was taking too long. Jared's picture stood hanged in the front on the right side of the already filled urn, an enlarged version of a passport one. I had already analysed every trace of his features and every time I looked again I came to the same conclusion. It was an awful picture of him. His hair was too tamed, the collar of his shirt too smooth and his smile too fake. One by one, family and friends were stepping up to the tiny staged built for the occasion and were speaking of him. None of the descriptions seemed right. They didn't know him like we did. I knew I was supposed to go and walk down the memory lane just like everyone but I was selfish and wanted to keep those memories I had all for myself. Emmett also couldn't do it.

He had come home with two boxes of Jared's stuff and the beloved guitar. He dropped the boxes inside but kept the guitar in his hands, coming to sit beside me.

"Have you read the letter yet?" he simply asked, searching my eyes for the truth.

"No." I looked back at him before my eyes descended to the strings on the guitar, now perched on his lap.

"You really need to." He commented, his fingers absently playing with the strings making soft sounds.

"I don't think I will be able. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet." My voice cracking on the last words.

"I know sis…but I think it will give you some kind of peace." I didn't answer. I just kept my gaze on the strings as they continued to vibrate. "Besides…I have some things for you. Jared wrote me pretty much everything that is on yours and what he would want you to have." His gaze was focus on the concrete like it was the most interesting thing in the world. For a moment I thought he hadn't notice me whipping with the back of my hand a tear that had escaped and rolled down my cheek but the sounds coming from the acoustic guitar stopped and his massive hand came to rest above mine with a gentle squeeze of support. "I know little B…I know…" Was all he said in a quiet voice.

He now stood by my side under the shade of the tree dressed in a black suit that didn't match my brother's style at all with the guitar by his feet and my skinny left hand in his big right one. My huge sunglasses were hiding the rimmed and wet eyes but the trembling hand holding my clutch was giving me out.

One of Emmett and Jared's friend and team player slowly approached us afraid of our reaction.

"Are you ready man?" Anthony, I think was is name, asked with his hand on Emmett's shoulder. Emmett quickly looked at me and I nodded. I knew this was going to put the little strength I had left to the test but we had agreed to do it. Never letting go of my hand Em scooped the guitar from the grass and nodded to his team mate.

The bulky team was all already lined up on the little stage as well as a chair for Emmett in front of the two others where Mr. and Mrs. Stroke had been sit all this time. What we were about to do was corny as hell and if it was someone else's memorial I would be making jokes and laughing at their expenses. But today was all I was able to give. Nothing more nothing less.

Emmett sit down on the chair and positioned the guitar on his lap. I stood on his left and rested a hand on his shoulder supporting both of us for what was sure to come. The entire team stood behind us and it was ironic how the only song Emmett had learned to play would be so painfully appropriated for the occasion. The words would dilacerate each and everyone of us but it was all we could offer. Honour our dear friend through one of his passions, music.

A mic was in front of us but no one made an introduction. We would never be more prepared than when the first chords of "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton filled the air.

_Would you know my name_ I started in my trembling voice.

_If I saw you in heaven?_ The team joining me on the two questions.

_Would you fell the same_

_If I saw you in heaven?_

_I must be strong and carry on_

_Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven._ Everybody joining us on the last words.

The rest of the song continued in a grave choir to which Emmett didn't join. His back was hunched, his head low and his eyes cast down. He was fighting the emotions, just like me. Every line in the song made me sing lower and lower until the lump in my throat was too big for me to keep singing.

I ventured looking up at Jared's parents but that only cut me deeper. Both of them had tears cascading down their faces clinging to one other for they were all they had left. I lost the battle I was fighting and I let the tears just roll freely ruining my makeup and staining my face with black blotches. I was keeping my eyes on Emmett hoping he didn't break down because I knew he would never forgive himself for showing such weakness in front of all of us. It was difficult for him to open up to someone, he could only show his true emotions to two people. Me and Jared. But now there was only me and though he didn't admit Emmett needed me more now than ever.

As the last chords of the guitar were played Emmett released a shaky breath. His strength was wearing thin. I squeezed his shoulder trying to show him I was still there but both of us wouldn't be able to stay much longer. I was glancing around looking for the closest escape route when my eyes fell again over Jared parents' faces.

With a soft nod of their heads they thanked us for this little piece of Jared in a motion meant only for the two of us and unnoticed by all the others.

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**One more time I apolagize for the massive delay. Please write me your thoughts =)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Once again I'm sorry for the huge delay. My computer died on me and my ideas were scattered all over different pieces of paper so I had to try to make all of that into one coherent chapter. That's why this short. I don't know if someone is even reading this but here it is. A very short one but I'm already working on the next one. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

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Chapter 3

It was only two months after Emmett's return to Forks that I realized how really alone I was. Maybe it was the addition of several factors or maybe it was my mind giving up on hope.

I was seating on the hood of my car with my back resting against the windshield on the usual spot at the top of the hills noticing all the twinkling lights of the city bellow.

_Just like any other Wednesday _I told myself _Yeah right…_

My right hand was clutching the silver locket that rested against my chest while my lips lazily hold a burning cigarette. Damien Rice was softly playing through the open door of my black Audi A3 and the sun had already settled behind me. The occasional siren pierced the melancholic tune alerting me that behind the fireflies that rested still in a perfect picture, the world kept spinning. People never stopped living their lives. Most of them didn't have the time to stop for a moment and take a step back to look around, to contemplate the world they lived in.

In a city with more than four million people I've never felt more alone than in that single moment.

I had stopped and taken a step back. I didn't like what I saw. I had nothing worth contemplating. I had no one by my side other than the warm wind that tangled my brown long curls and dispersed the smoke escaping my mouth after a long drag.

The shadows of the two most important people were missing on the airy ground and the warmth of their skin was no longer gracing my pale one. It was on that moment I really felt the slash I had in my heart being tore open and making me choke on all the blood. The cigarette fell from my lips to the ground and the air left my lungs like some one had punch me in the stomach. My body curled on itself trying to keep me together and like that it stayed in a trembling ball of tears.

Just like the drugs cursing through my veins their absence was killing me.

It is always on the worst moments that everything comes crashing on us. And on one of the lowest moments I had since Emmett left was when my mind decided to pain me more by remembering Grandma and Grandpa. They were long gone, more than ten months now and I still missed them everyday, Sundays being the more painful ones.

I missed the hundred miles we used to do just to go to Tucson and have lunch with them. Those long relaxing lunches in the backyard of their modest house. We would be there for hours sitting on the garden chairs of white painted metal talking about our weeks or just simply enjoying the comfortable silence and soaking in the sun with a glass of lemonade in hand.

I remember the first time we spent the night at their place. It was a few days after Renee left Charlie and took us with her. We drove for hours on end only stopping for sleeping in cheap motels and eating in greasy diners. Emmett kept asking questions about where we were going and about Charlie. I remember him in his six year old voice annoying Renee with question after question answered with only silence. Well that was until she had had enough and yelled at him to shut the fuck up. It was the first time she had yelled at us. Emmett stopped speaking instantly and looked at me with a frightened expression. There were tears in his eyes and his bottom lip was trembling. I had a similar look on my face and reached for his hand. He didn't take it but he wrapped himself around me and the teddy bear I was clutching. I knew in that moment we only had each other.

When we arrived at their steps in the middle of the night they opened the door to a crying Renee with each of her hand grasping one of ours. They weren't expecting us but they took us in without saying a word.

I cried most of night in the arms of Grandpa while he softly told some story to quiet once again Emmett's questions and to distract me from all that was happening. He smelled of pine with a hint of tobacco and he used to smoke his pipe in the rocking chair by the fireplace in the library. He soothed us both with hot chocolate and promises of summers in Forks.

Grandma spent the nights with Renee but she was there in the mornings feeding us pancakes filled with honey and little bits of strawberries on top. Just like her the kitchen always smelled of homemade cookies.

That was our routine for the week, each day resembling the prior, until Renee decided it was time to go for another place. Grandma and Grandpa never consented the young marriage between our parents but they loved us nevertheless and knew sooner our later this was bound to happen.

After that week we kept jumping from one place to another, never being in the same place for more than two months. It was the time Renee took to get bored with whatever she was doing. Despite our nomad ways we always made it to lunch with our grandparents. Sometimes the drives were long but neither of us cared that much we were all looking forward to those few hours of unconditional love.

Grandpa played with me and Emmett on the swing and slide he had built for us. He was the one who taught Emmett how to ride a bike.

Grandma would do my hair and borrow me her clothes so that I could play dress up despite all of them being too big on my child body. He would also help me keep Emmett still so I could do the same to him. I used to paint his face until I thought he looked girly enough to attend to one of my tea parties with my imaginary friends. He would bitch and whine the whole time but he never could say no to his stubborn little sister. He would do everything I asked just because he loved me too much.

When Emmett got his driver's license Renee stopped going every week to be with her latest plaything. However both of us still drove the necessary miles to join them for a quiet afternoon.

But a Sunday almost a year ago changed everything, putting an end to our sanctuary. Grandpa had a heart attack that ended his life, taking a part of us with him. Grandma couldn't take it and a few days after the burial she followed him. They say true soul mates can't be apart and I like to believe their souls were reunited once again. The hospital said she probably died of old age but we all knew she died of heartbreak.

Now Sundays where just like any another day, sometimes a painful reminder of what we used to have. On the more present past every other Sunday we would go out to lunch with Renee and Phil, her latest boyfriend that I'm surprised to say it's still around.

My cell phone biped in my pocket with an incoming message, breaking my reverie.

**How are u baby sis? Em xx**

I didn't reply. I was dealing with the latest loss my own way. It was the wrong way, a self destructive one but sometimes it numbed the pain and kept me distracted. I knew he had a suspicion about all the shit I was doing but he didn't push it. Well that last until a couple of days ago when I couldn't escape a skype session anymore and he saw how I really was doing and shit hit the fan. What he saw was someone he didn't recognize. Being perfectly honest, neither do I. That was the reason I had covered all the mirrors in the house. To keep me to look at the skinny and dead looking girl reflected in them. I looked just like any other disgusting addict would. Blood red shot eyes with dark circles under them, clothes too big for my skinny frame, a mess of hair that wasn't washed in a week and trembling hands from the withdraw. I wish I could say I was just like any other addict, that what I needed was to detox but the reality wasn't that simple. People say the first step to cure is admitting you have a problem. And knew I had one but it wasn't the heroin and marijuana I was taking, its name had a person behind it that was much more manipulative than the drugs.

I broke down even before Emmett passed the security. I cried and ruined his shirt. He put his big arms around me and told me to hang in there, that it would be just some more months and then we would be off to college together. He said everything would be alright... He lied.

I almost begged him to stay but in the end I didn't. I couldn't keep him away from his new life. No matter how much I needed my brother I had learn my lesson. I would not be selfish once again and drive another person away. I would have to accept and deal with the pain on my own. He asked me to go back with him but I felt like I was going to intrude and be a burden to him, so I said no like the mature person I was supposed to be. Emmett needed to move on. I kept my mouth shut and whipped the tears away.

I didn't cry when he said goodbye. He was also trying to keep himself in check and I wasn't going to make this even more difficult to him. I just squeezed him with all my strength, inhaled his perfume and kissed him on the cheek. When I tried to step away he tightened his grip on me and whispered that if it was getting too much to handle I could always change my mind and go to him. On that moment I never thought I would take him up on his offer. He squeezed me one more time and kissed me on the top of the head before letting me go to hug a crying Renee. I only broke down when I was back in my bedroom beneath the covers of my bed. That night I cried until I had no more tears left to shed.

My hand returned to tracing the patterns on the silver locket as my body came down my last drug induced high. It was mine now. Jared had left it to me and since then it had never left my neck.

After the memorial Emmett dropped Renee at home but kept driving with me to this same arid hill I was now. He wanted to be closed to Jared again, maybe one last time and this was one of the few places we were able to do that. We were both inside the car, motionless, just gazing outside for I don't know how long when Emmet's movement caught my eye. He reached the right pocket of his suit jacket, gently grabbed my hand with his left one and softly let go of a silver necklace with a beautiful pendant in the end.

"It's for you." He broke the silence. I stood still in my place with my outspread hand, my eyes darting in confusion between Emmett's and the pendant.

"Emmett, what is this?" He diverted his eyes from mine, directing them once again to the view behind the windshield.

"Read the letter, Bella. You will understand then." He knew the envelope was in my clutch folded in half waiting for me to read its contents. I had no choice now. I had been dreading, pretending it didn't exist. But now it was necessary to be able to understand and maybe…just maybe say goodbye. My hands were trembling but I managed to retrieve the letter and unfolded it without dropping it, forcing myself to read what it said.

The tears kept running down my face, one after another, each fat drop landing on my lap without a sound. Emmett was silent while I read Jared's last words, giving me the time I needed. I could feel my brother's gaze on me the whole time, he was patiently waiting for me to say something. My hands were trembling so much now and my vision was so blurry that I couldn't reread the letter to make sure the words were real.

_No… no…no, no, no, no, no, no…_

"Sshhh baby... I'm so sorry."

I hadn't realized I was actually saying it out loud until Emmett spoke. He tried to hug me but I kept shaking my head and push him away.

This couldn't be happening. I was having I nightmare. That was it. I couldn't be that stupid could I?

His blue eyes filled with hurt has I recoiled from his touch but if I let him it was only going to make all of this real.

I kept repeating my mantra I tried to get out of the car from the offending piece of paper. My body was now trembling all over and I haven't notice until I tried to open the car door unsuccessfully. Emmett realized what I was trying to do and in three swift moves pulled me from my sit to his lap and rocked me in his arms like one would do to calm a scared child. I tried to resist and escape his strong embrace but he just pulled me closer to his hard chest and grabbed my hands in one of his massive ones. I fought his grip and tried to scratch him, I screamed and kicked but it was a losing battle. The strength was leaving my body causing me to collapse against Emmett body in a heap of tears. Emmett slowly loosened his firm grip on me hands and wrap his arm around me pulling me even tighter against him while his other hand soothed me running softly up and down my back.

The only sounds that filled the heavy air were my loud sobs of despair that violently shook my whole body.

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**I need to know if someone is still reading this and if I should keep going or not. Soooooo...Leave me your thoughts. **

**It will make me post the next chapter much faster and leave a smile on my face. =)**


	4. Little Black Sandals

**A.N.: First of all...Happy New Year! I know I'm late but I hope everyone had nice holidays. I had an amazing entrance in 2011. I went clubbing literaly until the sun came out. Not kidding it was dancing all night long. XD**

**I know...I'm an awfull author...but my life was really cahotic theses last few months. College kicked my ass this semester and even the holidays were spent working. The little free time I had I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write. So I'm really sorry for the long wait and I hope someone is still interested in this little thing ^^ **

**Another thing I've been forgetting... Thank you so much for the reviews, the story alerts and add to favourites. I really apreciate it. I never thought someone was gonna take the time to read the story. So thank you to all of you. You're few but good ;)**

**Links to outfits and music are on my profile. Listen to the lyrics of Sia' song it will give you some inside scoop of Bella's situation.**

**Disclaimer: I own a pair of new light pink pumps but everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

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These little black sandals are walking me away

These little black sandals are heading the right way

These little black sandals are walking me away

These little black sandals saved my life today

"Little Black Sandals" by Sia

I watched as the water tremble on its plastic cup and couldn't help to notice that it was remarkably close to how my stomach was behaving. The turbulence during the flight wasn't helping on bit. The last few days upon my departure were a mix of anger and determination, but I never thought hitting rock bottom would fuck up a person so much. Just like most of the times, in these past three months, I was wrong. I knew I was running away but the monster that kept me from being normal again was taking new forms, scarier ones. I still dreaded the unbearable pain that hit me every hour of the day and night. But what at first seemed like a heavenly escape from that had now turned into a personalized hell on earth. And the blond devil with pitch black eyes was drowning me further into the sea of desperation.

I haven't eaten in days and the small pieces of food I was able to swallow eventually came back up a few minutes later. After a few times I stopped trying and that was why the food tray, provided by some faceless stewardess, remained untouched and laid aside. Now even the innocuous water was mocking me with its fragile liquid nature. My lips were dry and my throat was begging to be relieved from the scratchy feeling but I knew as soon as the liquid touched my stomach I would be out of my seat and running towards the toilet at the end of the aisle. So I pushed the cup aside, like those scarce inches were going to prevent me from drinking its content.

I stole a glance to my right and the old man sitting beside me continued his peaceful sleep in the same position he had fallen as soon as the plane was in the air. I envied him. Not for his snoring habits, because thank god I had my Ipod with me or else I will be trying to smother him with something, but just for the possibility of being able to be so serene in its sleep. Every time my eyes succumbed to the fatigue I couldn't escape the nightmares. They were as sure as the sun shining in Phoenix. I always wake up in a cold sweat with my throat sore from screaming so much. The lines and backgrounds changed but the end was always the same, death. So I fight sleep every night and sometimes I succeed but most of the times is a losing battle.

Two days ago I snorted my last line of cocaine, spent my last hours of a drug induced high with my so called drug buddies and was able to avoid James. I knew why I manage to leave that room, let's say… _unfucked_ by him. It wasn't luck, because that bitch left me all alone a long time ago, it was the simple fact that I had little coke left. I remember the exact moment I ran out of it, I remember because I have a two inches scar on my right wrist that doesn't let me forget that last night of debauchery. I just wanted another fix, like every goddamn drug addict. _The last one_, I promised myself, and I tried to steal it from some blonde junkie across from me. I never managed to get even close to her because I tripped on some shoes scattered in the ground and fell on top of a glass. I remember the blood running down my arm and I stupidly trying to make it stop with my bare hands. No one was getting up from their seats to help me, not even a flash of concern showed up on anyone's eyes. Everyone was too high on a cocktail of alcohol, cocaine and weed to spare a single moment with me.

Everyone except him.

I was on a verge of a panic attack due to all the blood covering my hands, it was all too similar to that fateful night and my brain was so fuzzy that I couldn't process that it wasn't Jared's blood but my own, when James showed up stumbling through the living room door with some bimbo trailing behind him. His shirt was open revealing his sickening pale skin, his long hair completely wild and no longer on a ponytail, his red rimmed eyes, soulless has ever and the buttons on his jeans weren't even buttoned up. He had just fucked the girl but as soon as his black eyes landed on me and the blood a newfound hunger took over him. He stalked over to me like a savage predator and forcefully grabbed my right arm and inhaled the coppery scent before starting to lick the warm red liquid. I trembled in disgust and tried to free myself of him but in a flash he had be pinned to the wall trying to lift my skirt to fulfill his sick and twisted cravings in front of everyone.

I never understood what I had seen in him in the beginning of this sick relationship, if one could call it that. He provided me my next fix and I let him snort it off me. It was him that lured me to this twisted world with promises of make it better. At the time I needed someone to lean on, since I was left behind by everyone. The fake friendship turned into dating and soon I was too deep in this makeshift outlet that I couldn't find my way out. I was trying to forget and to erase the pain. I wanted to feel accepted and loved in a world outside of my past. When James made a pass at me I remembered Jared and all the content of his letter. I didn't want it to happen again so I let him kiss me, and soon the kiss turned into mindless fucking according to James own desires. I didn't want to disappoint another person once again, so I kept my mouth shut and let him fuck me the way he wanted. I never complained when he was too rough or when he fucked everyone else. I never took pleasure from the act itself, but for a few hours a day I felt wanted.

In the moment I felt the hard evidence of him pressing against my stomach I reacted. That was one thing I wouldn't let it happen ever again and in a quick move my knee collided painfully with his crotch. James crumbled to the floor groaning and clutching himself. I ran out of that sick den like a bat from hell never once looking back.

The next day was spent in the bathroom trembling on the floor by the toilet ready for another wave of nausea to hit me. My body craved more so it could stop shaking but I had made my decision weeks ago that when I had consumed the last particle of drug left in that bag that my days of uncontrolled behavior were over. I had started as a way of forgetting, of numbing the pain but it soon escalated to more. The effects weren't always what I was hoping for and sometimes, especially when I consumed too much, the hallucinations would hit me. It got to the point where I couldn't tell what was real from what wasn't. I would talk hours on end with Jared, seeing him beside me like he had never left and sometimes be to him what I never thought he wanted. The redraw that followed those particular episodes were the most frightful of them all. When my high passed and Jared would vanished like smoke I would realize I was naked, sweaty, and trembling on the floor with an equal naked James by my side. That's when panic and the rage would attack and I would destroy everything around me.

"Miss? Miss you need to put the seat belt on, we're descending now." The stewardess woke me from my dark revelry with a polite shake on my shoulder. I had been zoning out for I don't know how long, just gazing through the airplane window at the fluffy white beneath. Moving my gaze to her I noticed even the old gentleman was already awake and ready to land. I offered a small smile to acknowledge her request but I'm sure all I managed was a grimace.

My simple denim shorts, sandals and ruffled tank top didn't quite protect me from the cold air of Seattle, not even the light jacket I had over me. In my haste to escape everything I forgot that the middle of December's weather in the Washington state was the complete opposite of the warmth of Phoenix. The once appropriated outfit for the sunny days seemed ridiculous now. The blue sky had been replaced by a grey one where the sun wasn't peeking but leaving that bright light that made your eyes squint at it.

I wanted my leather jacket to protect me from the chilly air and from the stares I was getting in the crowded airport. It was going to be worse when I got to Forks, no one was expecting me.

But I didn't care enough to go through my suitcases searching for it. I knew it was on the very bottom in one of the two suitcases, beneath all of the useless clothes I had brought. I realized that everything I owned were light pieces of clothes and I sure wasn't prepared for Forks' winter.

_The cold is good. _I kept telling myself.

_It will keep me distracted from more paining thought__s and help my focus on the task at hand. _Yeah right.

My two black carry-ons followed me through the linoleum floor of my terminal. The sound of the wheels setting a rhythm for my walk. My eyes searched every information placard looking for the one that would get me closer to what I hoped it would be home. At least until graduation.

People around me hugged and cried, reunited and split. Most of them had someone there for them. I had no one to say goodbye to in Phoenix and no one to say hello in Seattle. And that was the way I wanted. Because God knows I will already be imposing enough on Charlie without asking for more help.

I was just another nobody in a sea of people. Just like a business woman with a mission to accomplish, I just haven't figured out what was mine. When I made the decision to trade Phoenix for Forks, my mission was leave every painful memory behind to seek the last comfort I knew I had. Emmett. I needed to spend the most amount of time I had with him, because in the end I would be the one to leave and not the one left behind. Because I sure as hell couldn't take another departure.

Finally the sign I was looking for came into view. The one that would take me back to the first place where I had been truly happy. The one for the rental car service.

I walked into the store with its white walls, white floors and white desk counter. Everything seemed too clear, too bright, too white and just like the smile on the face of the employee waiting for me, too fake. I had to squint my eyes to adjust to the bright light.

As I made my way to the counter the bald middle aged man squared his shoulders and fixed his brown suit jacket. He was trying to look half the man he was supposed to be but, I'm afraid, failing miserably. His eyes roamed my bare legs and a glint appeared in them.

_Just what I fucking needed right now…a perv._

My stomach turned from the uneasing feeling I was getting but I pushed that aside and kept walking. The faster I dealt with the guy the faster I would be on my way.

"Good-afternoon Miss. What can I do for you?" He spoke with a smirk made of fake teeth and bad intentions coupled with wandering eyes that never once made contact with mine. They were glued to my chest.

I snapped my fingers in front of them and cleared my throat waiting for him to finally look me in the face. He noticed but made no move to apologize and slowly traveled his grey and cold eyes upwards. That fucking smile still in place, just like it had been frozen there.

_The nerve of the fucker__!_

"I would like to rent a car for three days please." Even after his insolence I tried to be polite.

"If you don't mind me asking…where is such a lovely girl is going all by _herself_?" He ran his fingers through the scarce black hair he had on top of his head that was slicked back with tons of pomade.

_Nob__ody told him we were no longer in the forties but actually in the 21__st__ century? _

My gut was telling me to get the hell out of there as fast as I could but it wouldn't do me no good. The creepy asshole would get a nice view of my ass and I would be stuck here with no way of getting to Forks. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but I bit my tongue and kept my anger in check just so I could get out of there as fast as I could.

"Yes, I do mind. Now if you could just show me the cheapest car and give me the papers to sign I would be grateful."

"_Grateful_, hum?" He mused in a suggestive tone liking his dry lips and looking me up and down once again, making me shiver in disgust.

_Fuck! Good manners are getting me nowhere with this shithead! _

My face was surely red by this point and my eyes ablaze. I was trembling from the control it was taking me not to punch him in the face. The withdraw wasn't helping my anger and shaking hands. I didn't have the time nor the patience for this kind of shit right now. I had already had my share of assholes in the last three months. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to get to Forks before dark.

"Now!" I hissed at him.

He had the decency to at least look taken back. He quickly showed me the list of cars and their prices when another costumer miraculously showed up on my left . I didn't really cared if the car had fucking navigation system I just wanted one who could get me to Forks in three hours without breaking in the middle of nowhere. I swept my eyes through the prices and pointed to the cheapest one.

The money I had in my purse was like a stone stopping me from moving on. Stopping me to reach the only resemblance of home I would ever have. Half was Emmett's and the other half would be spend as fast as I could.

After signing the paperwork, paying, a dozen more inappropriate looks and a few comments, I was ready to go. The luggage was in the small trunk of the car and the keys were in my hands. That was all I was going to need for this. I didn't know what type of car it was, just that it was silver and that it was begging me to start the journey. The sound of the engine was nothing compared to the purring of my fast Audi A4 I sold back in Phoenix but it would certainly do the job.

I was about two hours into the drive when the first sign to Forks appeared on the sign of the road telling me to take the next exit. That's when I hesitated.

Was this really a good decision?

I never asked Charlie if it was ok with him, I just assumed he would take his daughter in. Now, I was beginning to question it. I didn't utter a word to Renee about this, I just arranged the transferring with the schools, sold the car, packed my life and left. All during the week she had gone to Kansas with Phil for some other baseball thing of her boyfriend. I was now starting to feel guilty for not telling her something, even if it was just a goodbye. Like the coward I am I just took the chance and left. She's going to freak out when I tell her about this. She will be home in a week and I won't be able to escape the lashing out. _That will be a fun phone call. _But that wasn't my main concern. Anxiety was building in my chest from the possible reactions Charlie could have. I knew Emmett would receive me with open arms because he was trying to get me to Forks for a while now. But Charlie, I haven't seen him in two years when we decided to spend two weeks with him in the summer. It was too long ago and I didn't know if he would be able to welcome me into his house or even if he wanted to.

All those concerns were running through my mind when the exit to Forks came and went. Unconsciously I had made the decision to keep going straight even though I had no idea where that road might take me.

_There's a place I dream about _

_Where the sun never goes out_

_And the sky is deep and blue_

_Won't you take me there with you_

Ivy's Edge of the ocean was playing in the background, the fresh air was blowing through the open window and the rare sun peaked through a dark cloud. My insecurities towards Charlie coupled with these pleasant elements made me think that maybe I could go way on my own. Maybe I could start a little early my own quest…

_Ohhh, we can begin again. _

_Shed our skin, let the sun shine in. _

_At the edge of the ocean _

_We can start over again._

Maybe, just maybe I could be happy alone.

The night had long descended upon this side of earth and I still had no idea where I was heading to. Forks was left behind about five hours ago and the few signs of civilization had abandoned me an hour ago. I was literally in the middle of nowhere just driving aimlessly with no lights besides the ones of the rental car lightning the road ahead. The air was chilly, I had closed the window and tightened the light jacket around my body but I was still freezing. I had tried in vain to make the air conditioner work for a good twenty minutes until I swerved to the opposite lane and call it quit.

The possibilities I had foolishly entertained a few hours ago, were now being crushed with the harsh reality of being completely alone. As I parked the car on the side of the empty road I was no longer the independent eighteen year old that could make it alone… I had turned into a scared five year old child. All I wanted in that very moment was the warmth of home, even though I couldn't point where that particularly place was.

I looked around taking my surroundings and I never felt more isolated in my whole life. The asphalt was empty and cold, the sky dark and the weather cruel, and the fields on each side of the road were mere areas of tall and wild grass. The only two signs of human hand were the road and a destroyed little cottage on the far right of this depressing picture.

I never thought I would miss Phoenix so soon but as I stood still inside of the car and surrounded by nothingness I wished I was under the blazing sun of the city I left behind. I didn't miss the people, I just missed the busyness of it. And suddenly I realized the major flaw of my stupid plan…I would never be able to go to college because being alone implied having money that I wouldn't get if I didn't work. Getting a job that paid enough to survive would leave me with no time to finish high school. And no graduation means no college. I was jeopardizing my entire future with my hasty decision. And just look where my impulse brought me…nowhere.

It was time to stop fooling around, I've had done enough of that in the last three months to last me a lifetime. It was time to go home, to go to Emmett.

With this newfound decision I started the car and made a U turn in the direction of what I hoped would be my new shelter. I just hoped this decision was the right one.

It was six in morning and I was getting nearer and nearer to Forks. I had driven all night, not once making a stop for anything. The sun was slowly making its way up but it was still dark outside. The headlights of the rental car weren't the only ones illuminating the slick road; I had the companion of the fellow early drives. The wipers beat furiously the rain slapping the windshield, making the task of driving more difficult in the wet and slippery ground.

My anxiety was crushing me. I was gripping the wheel so tight that my knuckles were turning white, but I knew if I eased on the strength the shakiness would start. I was getting more and more nervous as I neared Forks because of the looming issue of facing Charlie. I knew one way or another I'm gonna have to face him; I just don't want him to be the first person to deal with. First I want to gather some strength for it, strength I hope I will get from Emmett.

The road I was now ridding through was all too familiar and I knew that around the next turn I would see the white house from my childhood. The sky had now turned to a light gray as the sun ascended and everyone was already leaving their houses to start the last working day of the week. The clock on the dashboard read 7:15 am and I prayed Charlie was working the morning shift and had already left the house. My prayers were answered when I down-shifted and turned to the empty driveway of the past times. The cruiser was gone and the old pick-up truck was still in its place, beneath its protection of fabric. As the tires crushed the gravy ground and I parked and shut down the engine I wondered if Emmett had already left for school. But then I remember with a smile it was Emmett I was talking about and I knew he would be the last one arriving to class.

The rain was still falling heavily but it didn't take the charm out of the old house, in fact I think it enhanced it. I noticed the front of the house had been painted fresh since the last time I was here, but besides that nothing has change; it looked like time had stood still here. The sky was still gray, the rain was still falling and everywhere I looked I saw green. The green and humid forest behind the house was making a sinister background of what looked like a watercolor painting through the windshield.

Although I had arrived and Charlie wasn't home I was nowhere calmer. I had shut down the engine and released my grip on the steering wheel, but as I slumped against the seat the lack of food and sleep of the last days started to take its toll on me. I fumbled with the seatbelt because my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't find the button to release it. My stomach was twisting with hunger and nervousness of what would expect me on the other side of that wood door. But I couldn't sit here forever so on shaky legs I stepped out of the car into the rain and bitter wind. My knees buckled under me but I gripped the car door fast enough, managing to not fall to the muddy soil. As I still myself for a second I got completely drenched. My feet were buried in the mud, my white tank top and jacket were sticking to my body and I'm sure they were completely see through, and my hair was a tangled mess that the hair band was doing nothing to keep it out of my face. I decided since I was already soaking wet at least I was gonna get my luggage before making my way to the door.

As I shut the driver side door two things happened at the same time. A shiny silver car entered the drive way and Emmett left the house. Emmett was as big as always in a typical football team jacket and jeans, whistling softly in his joyful demeanor. That's when I truly realized how much I missed him. He had not yet seen me as he was locking the front door. I only got a couple of shaky steps in his direction when I heard I car door open and close followed by the gasp of surprise when my big brother locked eyes with me.

Emmett was shocked by a moment, a slow smile taking up his face and showing his endearing dimples on each cheek. But the smile was immediately replaced by a concerned frown when he really took notice of my appearance. I didn't notice I was crying until a loud sob left my mouth and in an instant Emmett was in front of me engulfing me in his massive arms and lifting me off the ground. I completely let go and sobbed into Emmett's warm chest, relishing in his familiar scent and touch. I had arrived home.

He put me back down but didn't loosen his hold on me and neither did I release my grip on his t-shirt. I couldn't let go because I was afraid he was gonna vanish like Jared and I couldn't take being left behind once again. Emmett tried to calm me down by whispering little nothings in my ear and stroking my hair but I was too exhausted to move from this comforting embrace, despite the cold and rain surrounding us.

A throat was cleared behind us and doors were slammed shut. I felt Emmett kiss the top of my head before lifting his and slowly releasing my grip on his t-shirt.

"Who the fuck is she?" shouted a woman's voice with disdain. I felt Emmett stiffening in front of me before taking my hand in his and turning us towards where the cold voice had came from. Nothing could have braced me for what my eyes came in contact with.

Before me where the most beautiful group of people I have ever seen but what caught my attention was the guy on the driver's side of the car under a black umbrella. He couldn't be older than me but it wasn't appropriated to call him a boy like all the other guys my age. He was almost as tall as Emmett, not super muscular like my brother either; he was more on the lankier side. His face rendered me speechless, and probably gaping at him, with his strong jaw and full lips, coupled with a straight nose. His features couldn't be called of an angel but of a god chiseled in marble, just like the ancient greek statues of human perfection. The paleness of his skin enhanced the disarray of bronze hair on top of his head and made me wonder if such perfection was possible. But then I locked eyes with him and I really started to question what I was seeing, for the brightest pair of emeralds were gazing back at me with such intensity that I could feel him hunting for my soul. His piercing stare was making me blush despite the fact that he was slightly frowning at me.

I couldn't blame him though. I could only imagine what I looked like after everything. I could see my red lace bra through the now transparent top and I could feel my hair sticking to my face. I was drenched head to toe and my whole body was shaking like leaves because of the cold and exhaustion. The rain didn't cease its torture on us.

"Rose…" Emmett broke me out of my exploration of the god with his menacing tone. That was when I truly noticed the blond female equivalent of what my eyes had just abandoned. I had seen pictures of her but I never thought she would be even more beautiful face to face. I could see what Emmett saw in her, with her long figure of curves in every right place. The face of an angel was scrunching up in anger and still she couldn't be called ugly. Her long blond hair flown around her shoulders in loose curls but her blue eyes were cold and glaring at me. I was suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. Everyone had their eyes on me, judging me and I felt like I was once again in high school back at Phoenix being accused of things because of jealousy.

I was vaguely aware that voices were shouting at each other but my mind couldn't register what was being said anymore. It was slowly shutting down its circuits. I couldn't breathe, the anxiety suffocating me and making me tremble. I knew what was going to happen the second Emmett loosened his hold on my hand but I was so beat that I wasn't even able to control it. Emmett's hand slipped out of my when he stepped forward, my eyes briefly made contact with the bronze god's green ones noticing its widening before my knees gave out and my eyes closed. There were hasty movements and my name was being called but I couldn't react. I could feel the wet ground beneath me a cold hand touching my face urging me to open my eyes. With the last ounce of strength left in my body I opened my eyes to meet concerned green ones. But as soon as I saw them they were gone and I was engulfed in darkness. Before my mind switch off to the world I thought that I had never had such a beautiful and vivid hallucination of a man.

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**What's your favourite sad song? I'm curious person which might or might not have a music addiction...**

**Tell me what's you going through your mind... **


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